In honor of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I want to address one of the most painful parts of family law: the intersection of abuse and parenting time.
When domestic violence and custody issues collide, the victim can be submitted to years of continuing abuse at the hands of the courts. There is a strong presumption (assumption) that children benefit from continued relationships with both parents. Courts will suspend parenting time where there has been domestic violence against or in front of the children. But if the abuser engaged in controlling behavior and emotional abuse rather than physical harm, the court will often disregard the victim’s concerns as simply part of the divorce process. There are a few reasons why:
1. People Exaggerate
Whether out of emotional stress or an attempt to get what they want, both abuser and victim will often exaggerate what happened. Lawyers can make the problem worse when, in advocating for their clients, they misstate what happened or put things in the strongest terms possible.
2. Emotional Abuse is Hard to Prove
There are no police reports for controlling behavior. Nor is the victim likely to have gone to a therapist for help. The lack of 3rd party, objective evidence can make the issue of emotional abuse a “he said/she said” game.
3. Courts Focus on the Child
The factors for determining custody and parenting time focus on the best interests of the child, not the parent. Without a zealous advocate, the one factor of domestic violence can get swallowed up by the other 11.
And so, many domestic violence victims face parenting time orders that require them to interact with their abuser at least once a week until their youngest child turns 18. That’s 52 chances each year for the abuser to manipulate the victim. That is seemingly unending torment by someone the victim tried so hard to leave.
But There Is Hope.
Survivors of domestic abuse do not have to feel trapped by the system. By taking proactive steps and hiring strong advocates, they can take control out of the hands of their abusers and improve their lives.
1. Hire a Domestic Violence Advocate
For some lawyers, domestic violence complaints are an annoyance at best. Survivors need attorneys who handle domestic violence matters and have received training. It can make all the difference in the world.
2. Get Specific Parenting Time
Clear boundaries for pick ups and drop offs minimize the abuser’s power to manipulate the victim. In many cases, parenting exchanges can be arranged through schools or 3rd parties to avoid abusive contact.
3. Strictly Enforce the Order
The Friend of the Court (FOC) has enforcement proceedings that survivors can use to show their abusers they are serious. Every time a party denies parenting time, the other party should report the denial to FOC. This can show a pattern of behavior, make later motions to modify easier, and get the the victim make-up parenting time.
Where there are children involved, domestic violence victims can face years of contact with their abuser even after they’ve gathered the courage to leave. But a strong advocate and proactive steps can shift power away from the abusers and show them they’re not in control any more.
Lisa J. Schmidt is a family lawyer at Schmidt Law Services, PLLC, in Southfield, Michigan, and a member of the HAVEN Lawyer’s Committee. She works with the survivors of domestic violence to help them protect themselves and their children against future abuse. If you know someone who needs a strong advocate, contact Schmidt Law Services for a consultation today.
